Anita Yokota’s House Rules—It’s All About Intention

Both of Anita Yokota’s parents were creators: Her mother was a real estate broker by day but also an artist who dabbled in a “little bit of everything,” her father an architect who kept books on design all over the house. Before his pitches, he would build toothpick models and present them to Yokota and her sister (it was pre-Powerpoint days). Living in the Pacific Northwest, she grew up surrounded by greenery and nature—and her dad leaned into that with his designs, also taking inspiration from Scandinavian and mid-century modern aesthetics. 

Yokota absorbed all of it. 

“That was a big influence, but by my personality—I’m a helper,” she tells Better Homes & Gardens, calling in on Zoom from the couch in her living room, an elegantly-wallpapered staircase visible behind her. “And so I was really interested in psychology in college and in graduate school. But before graduate school, I really saw the benefit in my own life: My parents divorced, and I had things to work out. I saw how beneficial it was for me because my family didn't like to talk about feelings very much.”

As a self-proclaimed helper, she wanted to give others what counseling had given her. She became a therapist, and that was her path for 20 years. But starting from her time as an intern, it was the home visits that stuck with her.

When her clients came to her with problems related to interior design (“The kids argue in the front entryway because the backpacks are always on the floor, and I’m just always yelling”), she would address the physical space before anything else.

“One of the things we were taught to do was evaluate the emotional climate—but a lot of the time that emotional climate is manifested in the external,” Yokota says. “So if I walk into a really chaotic home with a messy kitchen and messy bedrooms, it gives me an idea of the emotional climate, right? Things are pretty charged, things are unorganized and chaotic. But I’ve also walked into a lot of homes that were super put together, super perfect—and the emotional climate was very cold or stale. And that's two sides of the same coin.”

“So yeah, I was developing my home therapy method, and I didn't even know it,” she says.

After having her third child, Yokota got a creative itch that being a therapist wasn’t scratching. She knew she had to get out of the office, so she started a blog about what she knew from her professional life, blending it with her passion: the relationship between therapy and the home. Domino magazine named it Best New Blog in 2017; she styled the HGTV Dream Home and Real Simple’s Idea House in 2019 (before COVID hit). Now, as the author of the book Home Therapy and a podcast host of the same name, Yokota has dedicated her work to showing how your space’s design has a direct impact on your well-being—and there’s an abundance of ways to make it work for you.

Anita Yokota’s House Rules

From her two couches in her living room (one for work, one for relaxation) to keeping her daughters’ 45 Squishmallows out of common areas, here’s how Yokota set up her home and set boundaries to create her own personal haven.

Q: How would you describe home therapy?

Home therapy is really an art and science to feel calmer, happier, and more confident at home. So we’re using the science of psychology as a tool, and then the aesthetics and functionality of interior design. We’re melding these two disciplines into something that creates that therapeutic environment for us to feel safe and secure and honestly more authentic. The more we are authentic and vulnerable with ourselves, the more we can really get to the root of whatever is overwhelming us, and once we can work through that in a safe environment, then we can go outside to the world and pursue all our bigger goals. If we’re not feeling great internally, no matter what’s going on externally, it’s never gonna feel balanced.

But it’s also for the people that you live with. So for me, home therapy is extremely relational. It’s not how to stay more organized: It’s, “I don't want to fight with my kids anymore about the front entryway.” For two partners, it’s, “I want to wake up and actually smile at my partner instead of banging elbows with him or her and fighting over the counter space.” Like, I want to feel happy about them; I don’t want to dread getting up in the morning in our tiny bathroom.

Q: If you had to hang a list of rules in your home, what would they be?

I actually had my version of house rules [in my book]—it’s funny because when I was writing, my editor was like, “OK, so what are your non-negotiables at your house?” 

1. Devices go back to charging stations. I have certain areas in the home where there’s charging stations that [aren’t in] my room or the kids’ rooms, and we put all their devices in those areas. That’s because I have the worst habit… which is if I can’t sleep, I get on my phone, and then I scroll for two hours, until four in the morning, which is so awful. And for my kids, too—I have a curfew with their devices as well. And so I think the takeaway there is finding a neutral hub for your devices that’s not by your bedside. 
2. Have a slow morning. If you can, start with a morning ritual—I know a lot of people do a coffee making ritual—I have my coffee, and then I meditate. So no matter how busy you are, finding some kind of slower morning routine will help you stay more present at home. I have certain areas in my home that are my meditative morning [spaces].
3. Intentionally find spots and rituals that help you set boundaries—not having your work and home blur too much. This [area] used to be our dining room, and we changed it into more of a lounge-y area. And then [the other side of it] is actually the formal living room. You see two couches, right? So this is my working couch, and this is my relaxation couch with the TV and stuff. 
4. Nutrition-wise: The kitchen is closed by a certain time in the evening. We’ll have fruit, like oranges or bananas or apples in the fruit basket thing. That’s a really great way to use kitchen accessories to promote that: having a pretty fruit basket you can put out after hours if you’re super hungry, and then closing up the things you know just are not healthy for you in a more organized shelf or basket.
5. This is more of a mind hack—you can write that Anita’s perpetually practicing this habit, so I’m not professing it, but I believe in it so much. If you see something on the countertop that doesn’t belong there, so say its home is upstairs or in another room, force yourself to walk it back home. I love going, “I’ll get to it later,” or, “It’s fine!” and pretty soon my kitchen countertop looks like it’s exploded again.
6. Use visual cues as a way to feel better and work better. So, hooks: I can’t get enough of hooks. Even if they’re ugly, I will put hooks where they’re needed. So for my daughter, we’re gonna turn this wall into a mini mudroom, and I’m gonna have hooks, because she is constantly throwing her backpack [on the floor]. Even her older sisters are mad at her because her backpack is landing in their areas. My point is really intentionally using your home to set yourself up for success.

Q: What are some ways people don’t realize mental health and well-being are tied into their living space?

So as you know, from a therapy point of view, it’s about developing empathy for ourselves and kindness. That's really the beginning of self-care, and that’s really the beginning of being confident in ourselves and others, and building an authentic connection with others, building community.

But if you’re in a very messy environment, or you’re in a chaotic environment, or you’re not being very intentional about your living space, then you’re not prone to using that living space for yourself, right? You want your home to work for you, and you want your home to feel really good because when you feel good, then your outlook on everything is so different.

So if you’re getting really good, deep restorative sleep, the way that you handle communication or problem solving is night and day. If you’re not getting that, you’re so stressed and tired and overworked, and new problems come up each day—most likely you’re not going to be communicating effectively or solving the problems effectively. So it’s creating that bedroom where there’s aromatherapy, there’s a sound machine, there’s a weighted blanket for anxious people or ADHD. 

There’s just little ways to go, “Okay, I really want to feel my best tomorrow because I’m tired of always being behind the eight ball,” you know? And so there's ways, whether it’s color therapy—painting colors that will stimulate your brain so it doesn’t always have to be white, doesn’t have to be cream or beige—and using wallpaper. 

Q: I love that wallpaper behind you.

Thank you! So we used wallpaper here—it’s like the area where you’re walking from the front door or living room to the dining room, and then it goes into the kitchen. But I really wanted to make a statement because that’s just like, your boring passthrough wall—but why make it boring? I wanted it to be something that’s useful and that excites my brain when I walk into the house. I can go, “Okay, I'm back home,” and it kind of resets me. And so we opened up under the stairs, and that’s going to be where the pet storage and the kids’ stuff is. So it’s really being intentional of and supporting your lifestyle at home. 

Even if it's just DIYing a nightstand, and you’re painting it a different color. Instead of getting caught up in: “What color blue should I do?” or “What color should this nightstand be?” It’s more, “How do I want this nightstand to support my sleep?” or “do I want this nightstand to support my journaling? Because journaling is a new hobby of mine or it’s a new commitment I want, and so how does this piece of furniture support my lifestyle here?” Ultimately, it’s setting some kind of intention or goal for yourself.

Q: What are some house rules you recommend for creating a home that could help support someone who’s struggling with their mental health?

Because I struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder, lighting is so important. Getting that serotonin and dopamine level up, because naturally my brain is lacking in serotonin. 

A lot of times, like with my friends in New York—it’s really hard to find a lot of light. But [you can do it] with a seasonal lamp, like these light therapy lamps. And I thought you had to sit there [in front of it] and get your light in, but you could have it on when you’re cooking and prepping [and doing other things], as long as you’re exposing yourself for 10 minutes.

Getting that light helps your circadian rhythm, which helps your sleep; it increases the serotonin and dopamine levels so your mood is better. A house rule we have is three layers of lighting: We have to have our recessed lighting. I know it’s the big lights; I know people hate it but I love it because—maybe I’m old—I need lights to know what I’m doing at night. Then we also have the medium lights like sconces and things that go on the walls, and then we have our table lamps and mini lamps. Did you know on Amazon they even have cute little lamps that you can put in the shower?! I want one now, because I’m a bathtub girlie—maybe I’ll put one in the shower and have some nighttime ambiance. We have to be very intentional about what kind of lighting and mood we want in each room to evoke what kind of feeling we want.

Now that summer is coming, it’s really about picking the right bedding for good sleep. I’m a hot sleeper, and linen sheets, breathable sheets, are so important. Weighted blankets—some people hate it because they feel very claustrophobic … you can start with the lightest weight. For anxious people, I swear it really, really helps with your sleeping. It just makes you feel secure. 

And there’s a house rule that’s kind of the opposite of what you might think—so, unpopular opinion—but I don’t think you need a rug. This is mental health related for sure: We have a lot of allergies in our home. Even though I’m a designer and I know layering is the thing—we really only have one area rug right now. It does feel a little bare. I’m gonna not lie. But our house rule is you have to design your home for your family lifestyle. 

Q: I watched your snippet on the Drew Barrymore Show—you described it as home therapy being about helping people tell their story through interior design and building a relationship with their space. 

When I moved [into my home] I was still just a therapist, but I had my own home therapy journey, which I put in my book. For the first seven years I was scared to put a nail in the wall because this was our first home together, I was very perfectionistic. Finally by the seventh year I was like, “Forget it! I’m not even gonna wait for my husband, I’m just gonna start putting things up on the wall.” And it was so liberating; it was so creatively rejuvenating because like—who cares! No one’s gonna come and judge me. So that was a huge aha moment for me. 

Q: How important are personal touches when it comes to approaching that relationship with your home and making it feel like your own?

So for this wall [referencing behind her], I decided to do this bamboo wallpaper. Something that I really wanted was a nod to my Asian heritage, but I didn’t want it so Asian where it didn’t match the rest of my house. So for me it’s finding ways that honor our culture or honor who we are, and for us, obviously our culture is very intrinsic to who we are. Lo and behold I found something that spoke to me, and it was the bamboo. 

So I think adding your personal touch and, again, going back to that intention of how you want to honor yourself at home is super important. 

Q: When you’re feeling down or low-energy, what are some ways you take care of yourself through your home?

So I have something called the holding box, and what I realized about people is: You’re either a tosser or a saver. Tossers are the purgers, like me, who are like, “I don’t wanna think about it; It’s gone.” And then savers—they just hold onto everything. 

When I was helping clients, the commonality for that analysis paralysis was ambivalence. Ambivalence is just mixed emotions: “I don’t know what to do with it. I feel good and bad about it.” It’s a lot easier to feel super bad about something, because then it’s gone. And then if you feel super good about it, then that’s easy, you’re keeping it. It’s the in-between stuff… It becomes mental clutter.

So I have clients take a pretty box—it doesn’t have to be expensive—but just a holding box that signifies that this is gonna be a ritual to decide within 24 to 48 hours. For me, I like to give myself time. We’re still gonna get a decision made, so you have to have a deadline, but we don’t have to decide right now. The purpose of the holding box for the ambivalent items is letting those feelings coexist. Because when you’re purging—you’re not letting those good feelings exist. You’re just like, “This is bad, and I’ve gotta get rid of it.” And then the savers—you’re not allowing yourself to feel the bad. 

Part of therapy is reconciling that we’re human beings, and life is gray, and our emotions are gray. Like, we can feel the worst about our exes, but at the end of the day they probably still had a few good things about them even if we don’t want to admit it. 

So once you can break through the ambivalence of like, “OK, I’m just gonna let myself feel that this item is mixing me up. Instead of trying to fix it, I’m gonna let it be. And while I’m letting it be, I’m gonna start thinking about how it serves me.” The pros and cons—which way is it leaning? In 48 hours, you go back to the box, and if that decision is, “I’m not gonna wear this again,” instead of putting it in a black garbage bag that’s gonna be at the curb and just mindlessly throwing it away … My process with the holding box is helping you work through the ambivalence and helping you find closure by intentionally giving it to someone.

Our human brains—we just want to fix things. So it’s either all good or all bad. When our homes are all bad, it’s like, “My home is too messy, so I’m never going to entertain.” That’s not really true. We’re just all or nothing thinking, which goes back to therapy. So I really tried to think of a method that lets the savers and tossers live in the now a little bit and not be so impulsive to throw away or not be so impulsive to keep. 

Q: You’re a mom of three—how has your approach to design changed with having kids?

When I had my kids I was a therapist, so I knew that being flexible was necessary because that was the season in my life. I went through the typical young mom thing which was like, “I don’t want more of the playpen, the swings.”  I mean, literally every baby thing was in our tiny family room. I think for me it was more learning how to organize the room better, and that made me feel better. So whether it was hidden storage or baskets or bins or IKEA setups or tupperware or whatever it was—I made an effort to feel organized in the room, and that automatically made me feel calmer. I was more accepting of some aesthetics that I couldn’t change, like the primary colors on their toys.

Then as they grow—we had to redo my middle daughter’s room and just honor her style versus mine. And she wanted x, y, and z, and I was like, “You know, we have a budget.” There were a lot of conversations around how they want to own their space. And then having a 10-year old who’s just a clutter magnet—I mean in her room, we have 45 Squishmallows. I’m not even kidding. 45. Now, 30 were hand-me-downs, but she is a hoarder. And I’m not gonna lie, I actually do have a Hello Kitty Squishmallow drinking a boba that we got because it was so cute. And I sleep with it now. 

But it’s really learning how to work together and coexist in a space. I also want them to develop skills because someday they’re gonna have their own space, apartment, in college—my oldest daughter is gonna be sharing with two other people in a tiny space. It’s really being mindful of what kind of habits they’re developing. What comes down to it for me is learning how to stay organized, and I say learning because by no means am I perfect at it. But just kind of having that goal and intention in mind so at least every day you’re trying.

Q: How do you like to unwind at the end of the day in your home?

It doesn’t even have to be the end of the day. If it’s like 10 in the morning and I’m feeling stressed, I take a bath. I am your probably biggest bathtub girl ever. And I encourage that to anyone who is stressed out or anxious, if they have the luxury of having a bathtub [to take advantage]. It’s scientifically proven that when you increase your body temperature—and then you know how you get out of the tub or get out of the hot shower, your body temperature automatically drops.

Well, that drop increases your adrenaline and that obviously helps with your blood circulation. But I love that adrenaline rush that I get because it wakes me up, it gives me energy. And I use that as a way to go, “OK, I’m resetting myself. I’m not gonna dwell on whatever was stressing me out; I’m not gonna get overwhelmed by all the things I have to do today.”

Q: What is your household mantra?

Something in therapy that I’ve always told my clients, especially my teenagers, is “Important things first.” It’s so much fun to do all the rest, but if you see something in front of you and you know it’s important, just get it done—it’s like ripping the bandaid off. 

And [my family] knows—I don’t even need to tell them what, everyone really knows what it’s important. It’s getting the hardest things done first.